the delay, and others

I don’t know where to start. Basically, I have had an emotional wall come to me and hit me in the face. The problems that I have been putting off for so long have come, and basically reared its ugly head. First of all, there is the problem with my fear of confrontation. I hate it. I get butterflies in my stomach just thinking about an argument with someone. Because of this fear, I have definitely let people walk all over me for some time. I don’t like it, but because of my fear, I let it happen anyway. Another problem I have is telling people how I feel. I don’t. I don’t ever feel that what I am feeling is very describable, so I don’t try. I use general facial movements and things like that to try to do it, but I don’t really. This has caused people close to me to try to coax out of me a feeling, or at least a description of one. I am good with saying I am happy, but I don’t know how to say to people that “I am angry, I am ashamed, I am beleagured”. In the same line as this, I also have a problem with asking people for help. This is something I have done forever. My parents commented on it saying that I am an independent person, but dumb sometimes. Most people know when they are in over their heads, but I don’t. I just “keep going” trying to solve the problems in my own, unsuccessful, ways.

These problems all came rearing their head today, and I don’t know if I am emotionally strong enough to try to fix them all at the same time, and yet, if I don’t fix them all at the same time, I wont be able to fix any of them because they are so interconnected. I must tell people I have a problem, which will tell people how I feel, which, in some cases, might be a confrontation. When did I become like this? A mess on the inside? A person would guess that I had been in some emotional trauma like an abusive relationship, or that my past is full of fear and arguments that I will not let happen again, but the real story is much less of a drama. I didn’t have any of that. I did have one bad relationship, but these problems were around before that, and it wasn’t abusive ( the bad relationship), just hard for me. Ugh. Other than emotional problems eating away, I have been having a great time. I was in Ireland for 2 weeks ( pics on facebook if you know who I am ), and it was the best 9 days of my life because of the relaxing nature of the Irish people, and because I was basically just walking around outside in parks and things for 9 days. I love my family, and now that my sister is older, she doesn’t seem to hate me as much anymore, so I don’t think we argue as much anymore, which makes spending extended amounts of time together WAY better. Work is doing well, and while I still have problems with certain aspects of it, I don’t think it’s going to get worse. Hopefully better, but right now I guess status quo is working for me. Speaking of work, I better get back to it.